When I was a teenager, I had a mild anxiety problem. A mild, but very specific anxiety problem: I dreaded 9 p.m. That was the cut-off point my mother had established between going out and staying in; if I didn't have a "plan"(my mother always insisted on a clear plan: what we were doing, where we were going, who was going to be there, when we would be back) by nine o'clock, I'd be spending the evening at home. It seems totally reasonable to me now, but as a teenager it drove me crazy. Around eight I'd start feeling antsy. During the summer I often had plans, but on the nights I didn't a fear would grip me as the clock ticked towards nine and I would begin to fear what I might miss if I stayed home that night. Sometimes there was no clear event that I knew of, it was just a vague anxiety that there might be something cool somewhere other than where I was and if I didn't find out about it and get there before nine I would miss it.
I was 21 when I got pregnant with Jack, and that was not the plan. The plan was to move to Arizona to live in a $2,000,000.00 house with a dream baby and pursue a career in journalism. The family I had nannied for in Seattle moved to Arizona and flew me down twice to persuade me to move with them. About a week before I planned to buy a one-way ticket to Phoenix, I took a pregnancy test. I'm not going to share any details, but it was pretty shocking that it was positive. I panicked, cried, cursed the heavens, cursed Aaron, cursed all children everywhere, cursed myself, cried some more. What followed were some of the most agonizing months of my life. I tortured myself thinking about what I was going to miss, what I had lost, what I couldn't get back. I was 21, I was supposed to be going to college and hanging out with my friends, not having a baby.
I came to love Jack before he was even born, but I have loved him more everyday since. After Matteas joined our family, things got harder but better. Not easier, but better. My kids have challenged me in ways that no other life could, and while I still have a long way to go in my personal growth I've come pretty far since that first pregnancy test.
Jack is a lot like my mother; he likes to know what the plan is. It makes a huge difference in his behavior if he knows what's going to happen next; he likes to know what's going on and how he fits into it. He's also keenly aware of a positive experience and tends to enjoy repeating it. Last week, on a particularly warm day, I poured Aaron and myself a glass of wine and we sat on the front step, which faces west. It was a beautiful sunset, the air was finally cooling off, and you could smell cut grass and hose water. Jack and Matteas were chasing each other on the front lawn, and eventually came over to sit with me and Aaron.
"Mom, what are you guys doing?" Jack asked.
"Oh, just enjoying the evening," I replied absently. Ever since, Jack has referred to sitting on the front steps as "enjoying the evening."
Last night, after another scorching day, I came outside with a glass of wine for me and a sippy cup of juice for Jack. I sat down and called him over to me. He came trotting over and asked what I wanted.
"I want to sit on the front step and enjoy the evening with you," I said.
"Oh," he said quietly, grinning from ear to ear.
We went over the events of the day, discussed plans for tomorrow. The sun dipped below the horizon alerting me to the fact that it was long past Jack's bedtime, but we lingered.
"Mom," he whispered, snuggling into my arm, "I'm glad I didn't miss the evening."
"Do you know what I'm glad I didn't miss?" I asked.
"What?"
I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his and staring into his big blue bespectacled eyes.
"You," I said.
"I know," he grinned.
The best part is, the longer I know my kids, the more I love them. Before I had Jack I didn't want kids. Now that I have two, I want more. Not necessarily right away, but maybe once Matteas is potty trained and sleeping through the night. At least, that's the plan. :)
When I was a teenager, I had a mild anxiety problem. A mild, but very specific anxiety problem: I dreaded 9 p.m. That was the cut-off point my mother had established between going out and staying in; if I didn't have a "plan"(my mother always insisted on a clear plan: what we were doing, where we were going, who was going to be there, when we would be back) by nine o'clock, I'd be spending the evening at home. It seems totally reasonable to me now, but as a teenager it drove me crazy. Around eight I'd start feeling antsy. During the summer I often had plans, but on the nights I didn't a fear would grip me as the clock ticked towards nine and I would begin to fear what I might miss if I stayed home that night. Sometimes there was no clear event that I knew of, it was just a vague anxiety that there might be something cool somewhere other than where I was and if I didn't find out about it and get there before nine I would miss it.
I was 21 when I got pregnant with Jack, and that was not the plan. The plan was to move to Arizona to live in a $2,000,000.00 house with a dream baby and pursue a career in journalism. The family I had nannied for in Seattle moved to Arizona and flew me down twice to persuade me to move with them. About a week before I planned to buy a one-way ticket to Phoenix, I took a pregnancy test. I'm not going to share any details, but it was pretty shocking that it was positive. I panicked, cried, cursed the heavens, cursed Aaron, cursed all children everywhere, cursed myself, cried some more. What followed were some of the most agonizing months of my life. I tortured myself thinking about what I was going to miss, what I had lost, what I couldn't get back. I was 21, I was supposed to be going to college and hanging out with my friends, not having a baby.
I came to love Jack before he was even born, but I have loved him more everyday since. After Matteas joined our family, things got harder but better. Not easier, but better. My kids have challenged me in ways that no other life could, and while I still have a long way to go in my personal growth I've come pretty far since that first pregnancy test.
Jack is a lot like my mother; he likes to know what the plan is. It makes a huge difference in his behavior if he knows what's going to happen next; he likes to know what's going on and how he fits into it. He's also keenly aware of a positive experience and tends to enjoy repeating it. Last week, on a particularly warm day, I poured Aaron and myself a glass of wine and we sat on the front step, which faces west. It was a beautiful sunset, the air was finally cooling off, and you could smell cut grass and hose water. Jack and Matteas were chasing each other on the front lawn, and eventually came over to sit with me and Aaron.
"Mom, what are you guys doing?" Jack asked.
"Oh, just enjoying the evening," I replied absently. Ever since, Jack has referred to sitting on the front steps as "enjoying the evening."
Last night, after another scorching day, I came outside with a glass of wine for me and a sippy cup of juice for Jack. I sat down and called him over to me. He came trotting over and asked what I wanted.
"I want to sit on the front step and enjoy the evening with you," I said.
"Oh," he said quietly, grinning from ear to ear.
We went over the events of the day, discussed plans for tomorrow. The sun dipped below the horizon alerting me to the fact that it was long past Jack's bedtime, but we lingered.
"Mom," he whispered, snuggling into my arm, "I'm glad I didn't miss the evening."
"Do you know what I'm glad I didn't miss?" I asked.
"What?"
I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his and staring into his big blue bespectacled eyes.
"You," I said.
"I know," he grinned.
The best part is, the longer I know my kids, the more I love them. Before I had Jack I didn't want kids. Now that I have two, I want more. Not necessarily right away, but maybe once Matteas is potty trained and sleeping through the night. At least, that's the plan. :)
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