Sunday, July 24, 2011
Tomorrow my mother in-law gets the results of extensive tests to see if her cancer has spread; her oncologist doesn't sound terribly optimistic. Again again I say to you, fuck fuck fuckety fuck.
However, the spectre of potential bad news didn't keep us from having a mighty fine evening anyway, and we enjoyed cold wine, buttery crab, garlicky Ceasar and flank steak with chimichuri in the back yard. It occurred to me that regardless of the test results, there wasn't anywhere else I'd rather have been.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
He'd wanted to make Christmas for Matteas. He made a fake tree out of some scrapbook paper, set up a circle of wooden train track around it, and wrapped a present for Matteas which turned out to be some of Jack's Easter egg hunt money in a shoe box. Jack is a piece of work, but he is also the cutest. He is also, as my cousin Kayleigh says, my ultimate "teacher bird." Birds are a theme in Kayleigh's life, and teacher bird is the term she came up with for a person that comes into your life to teach you something that you need to learn. Jack has taught me a lot of things, and lately he has really been emphasizing to me what a mixed bag life is.
My sister told me she pulled up my blog to show a(very proper, non-profanity using) friend my beautiful cakes. Instead of beautiful cake, what she found was "fuck fuck fuckety FUCK." Ahem.
I would prefer my life to be neatly organized, but much of the time it isn't and I cause myself a lot of needless suffering by comparing my life as it is to my life as I think it should be. I think my life should be fabulous parties followed by beautiful cakes, and no one would ever make a mess and definitely no one would ever get cancer. As a young mother, my life often felt either/or: I was either under-slept(mostly this one) or well-rested; my house was either clean or(more often) it was messy. I'm finding more and more that the either/or game is a hard way to live life, because either/or is not how life plays. It's not either cake or cancer, it's cake AND cancer. Life doesn't look at what you have going on and say "Oh, hang on: someone you care about has cancer so I'm going to go ahead and hit the Pause button while you deal with this gracefully. Take all the time you need, nothing else will happen while you're having your moment." So I apologize for the occasional profanity, but it's where I need to be right now. I occasionally make beautiful cakes, and occasionally someone I love has cancer and there is not always a neat separation between the meat and the mess of my life. And by "meat" I mean "the good part." I sometimes have trouble being open to joy when I'm in the middle of suffering, but over and over again I feel myself being stretched to take it all in, not joy or suffering, but joy AND suffering, all of it at once and together.
All that is to say in a disclaimer sort of way that if you come here looking for cake, you'll find some but there will most certainly be some fuckfuckfucketyFUCK along the way. Because sometimes cake and cancer happen on the same day.