The Sixth Stage: Rediscovering Joy

When I first suspected that Jack had a wheat allergy, I thought "What better mother than me to deal with something like this; I like medical stuff, I enjoy applying a scientific approach to problems, and I love to cook. This will be easy." I was so wrong. While it became clear very quickly that Jack does in fact have a wheat allergy, I could not possibly have anticipated the impact it would have on me personally. The first week was alright, and I was very encouraged by how rapidly Jack's eczema began healing; it seemed totally worth it. Give up wheat and my kid's suffering diminishes. Good deal. Brown rice pasta isn't so bad, tacos are tasty and naturally wheat-free, bread isn't the best food for you anyway. And then I got grumpy. I don't know if there's such a thing as actual wheat withdrawal or if I just got burnt out from trying to convert our lifestyle to wheatless, but my goodness I was a grouch. I didn't even want to be in the same room with me. My parenting skills began to slide, I lost my temper with the boys more frequently, the thought of making dinner was overwhelming and depressing. If I had to look at another corn chip I was going to hurl, and even the initially innocuous brown rice pasta now loomed offensive and bland on my culinary horizon. I no longer loved cooking. This was bad. That's when I hit the first stage of grief: denial. Maybe Jack isn't really allergic to wheat, maybe there's nothing I can do to help his skin. Next I got angry: cooking without wheat sucks, all I want is a big, white, chewy(oh how I miss the texture of chewiness) bagel. Next, I tried bargaining: maybe he can have spelt. Spelt flour is pretty easy to work with, and the spelt bread from Trader Joe's is quite tasty. After two days of spelt, Jack's eczema looked as angry as if he'd been eating wheat. And that's when the depression hit. I dreaded meal times, often skipped meals just to avoid eating another corn tortilla(I still fed the kids). I don't know if I ever really embraced the acceptance phase of grief, I think I was too depressed to feel accepting. And then. And THEN. My mother-in-law borrowed a cookbook from a gluten-intolerant coworker, which included a collection of gluten-free flours and little baggies of evaporated cane sugar and xantham gum, ingredients which had previously never been in my arsenal. I started reading the cookbook right away, and haven't been able to put it down since. The most heartening bit was that Tom Colicchio, who has no dietary difficulty associated with wheat, wrote the introduction. That was enough to get me past my skepticism, even though I thought all wheat-free flours smelled and tasted terrible. Most contain garbanzo bean flour, and tasted like it. I really doubted anything sweet and delicious could come from something that tasted like it should be made into hummus. With a hopeful heart I carefully measured, measured some more, sifted, measured and stirred. Gluten-free baking requires a lot of ingredients to mimick the effects of wheat flour, and putting this bread together felt more scientific than I generally like cooking to feel. My bread is not as dark as the one in the picture, but no matter; it was freaking delicious. With the first bite I discovered what is on the other side of the Five Stages of Grief: Pleasure. Dotted with lumps of moist, caramelly apple and rich with cinnamon, this apple bread tastes like a cross between Amish Friendship Bread and an apple fritter. The crumb is unbelievably moist and tender, the sweetness not overpowering, the cinnamon swirl emerging around the crust so crunchy and satisfying I had to put the rest of the loaf away to keep myself from eating the entire thing in one sitting. It has a depth of flavor to it that's hard to put your finger on; it's a little darker, a little earthier than bread made with white flour but not in a whole wheat kind of way. It's earthy but clean, rich but not heavy. And here's the most shocking part: not only is it wheat-free, it's vegan. No eggs, no butter. I know. I KNOW. If you gave me this bread- no, let's be honest, it's really cake- if you gave me this cake, I would never in a million years be able to guess its true nature. It doesn't taste like something masquerading as something made with white flour, eggs and butter, it tastes like something that was in fact made with white flour, eggs and butter. You cannot hide a lack of butter from me, I will taste it, I will criticize it, and I will spit it out. Or bring my own cube of butter. While I did depart from the recipe slightly in that I brushed the top with melted butter instead of oil, I did not, contrary to my usual habit, feel the need to put any butter on the finished product while eating it. The only necessary accompaniment is a tall glass of cold milk. Jack was so overjoyed to have some kind of bread-like food to eat that actually tasted delicious that he started giggling at his first bite. Even if you can have wheat and eggs and all manner of other foods, abandon all your inhibitions about this particular recipe and make it at all costs. It is one of the best baked goods I've ever tasted, including my previous wheat-egg-butter love affairs. I don't know the actual nutritional information, but I'm guessing that garbanzo and fava bean flour is a lot better for you than traditional white baking flour. Also, coconut oil, while certainly not low-fat, contains no trans or hydrogenated fats and is very high in Omega-3's(good, happy fat). I've only tried two recipes from the Babycakes cookbook, but I'd highly recommend it for several reasons. One is the pictures. This book is pure food porn, and every single recipe is accompanied by a picture. I hate cooking something without knowing what it's supposed to look like. The other reason is that in the beginning, Erin takes you through a definition and explanation of every single one of the ingredients. She tells what each ingredient does and how it combines with other ingredients, largely demystifying the intimidating world of gluten-free baking. She is a genius, a fantastic cook, and a serious cutie-pie besides. She writes an introduction to every recipe explaining how the finished product tastes, often including interesting back-stories on how that particular recipe came to be. If you have friends who must avoid wheat, this cookbook would make a fabulous gift. A few recipes do include spelt flour, but most do not. Apple Toastie Adapted from Erin McKenna's Babycakes

1 cup garbanzo-fava bean flour(I used Bob's Red Mill)

1 1/4 cups evaporated cane juice, divided

1/2 cup potato starch(again, Bob's Red Mill)

3 TB corn starch(the original recipe calls for 1/4 cup arrowroot, which I didn't have)

2 1/4 tsp. baking powder

1/4 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. xantham gum

1 tsp. salt

2 TB ground cinnamon

1/2 coconut oil

1/3 cup applesauce

2 TB pure vanilla extract

1 1/4 cups very hot water, divided

1 cup roasted apples

First, peel, slice, core and cut into small chunks one large apple(I used a Fuji). Sprinkle with a little sugar and cinnamon and spread out on a baking sheet lined with a silicone baking mat, and bake at 325 for about fifteen minutes. Set aside.

In a medium bowl, mix together all of the dry ingredients, reserving 1 TB of the cinnamon and 1/4 cup of the evaporated cane juice and being careful to use EXACT measurements. Carefully whisk everything together until you have a homogenous mixture. In a separate bowl, place the 1/2 cup of coconut oil in the bottom of the bowl and carefully pour 1 cup of very hot water over the oil, stirring gently until all the oil melts(most coconut oil is sold in tubs and is the consistency of shortening at room temperature, so it must be melted before use in baking). Add the oil/water mixture to the bowl of dry ingredients, then add the applesauce and vanilla. Stir until smooth, then gently fold in the roasted apples. Remove 1/4 cup of the batter to a separate bowl and add the reserved 1TB cinnamon, 1/4 cup of evaporated cane juice and remaining 1/4 cup of water. Stir until smooth.

Pour the batter from the larger mixing bowl into a greased loaf pan, then carefully pour the cinnamon batter in a line down the center. Use a spoon to swirl the cinnamon mixture into the loaf, being careful not to stir too much; you want a visible ribbon of cinnamon in the finished loaf.

Sprinkle the top of the loaf with a few pinches of evaporated cane juice or plain granulated sugar(what I used), and bake at 325 for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, take the loaf out of the oven and brush the top with either melted butter(what I used) or melted coconut oil(original recipe). Sprinkle with a little more sugar, rotate the pan and put back in the oven for another 20 minutes. The loaf will be golden on top and a toothpick inserted in the middle will come out clean. Let the loaf rest in the pan for 20 minutes before running a knife around the sides and inverting onto a cutting board. Slice and serve warm. Be happy.