Hello, Self

This is how I begin my day. I bought myself that pen ten years ago, when I first started journaling in earnest. Mostly I wrote about Aaron. I still write about Aaron, but now I write happier things. I used to journal at night, but I'm working on a project right now that involves journaling first thing in the morning. I wouldn't normally choose to write in the morning, but it's been very grounding to spend some time exploring my thoughts at the beginning of the day. It all started innocently enough. Kayleigh is taking a course in NYC aimed at learning how to become a health counselor over the phone. Kayleigh is already a health counselor, but a lot of New Yorkers don't have time to meet face-to-face so someone came up with the idea of doing it over the phone. She asked me if she could practice on me. Of course I said yes. So we made an official phone date and the morning she called I was all ready with my coffee and looking forward to picking up some good health tips. "We're going to start by building your Wellness Vision," she says. "What's that?" I ask. "Your Wellness Vision is how you see your healthiest self; I want you to describe yourself when you have become your healthiest self and tell me what that looks like. What do you do in the morning? How often do you exercise? How does your body feel? How you do feel about your life?" Kayleigh knows me. I can think of maybe two other people who know me as well as she does, and one of them is my husband. More importantly, Kayleigh loves me, so I feel comfortable answering probing questions from her. I start describing my Wellness Vision, and it includes things like waking up early to do yoga or journal, regular exercise, pursuing personal hobbies. Next, we talk about any gaps between my Wellness Vision and where I am right now so we can see what I need to work on to get there. I identify a couple of things I need to do, like get up earlier, recruit more support for childcare, make myself an exercise schedule. Then, the hard part: identifying what the challenges are to implementing those changes. In other words, being really honest about why I haven't done those things already. The answer kind of surprises me. I realize during our conversation that my life is filled with excuses: “I’d like to ______, but I don’t have the time; I want to ______, but I’m intimidated; I’ve always dreamed of being ______, but I don’t think it’s practical.” The thing that is holding me back from achieving my Wellness Vision is the same thing that is holding me back from being a better parent, a better wife, and a better person: I don’t take myself seriously as an adult. This is kind of a painful realization to have at the age of 26, two kids deep. It seems to me this is the sort of thing a person ought to have addressed before getting to this point, but it is something I have successfully ignored for a number of years. I’m a little embarrassed about this revelation, so I immediately try blaming it on someone else: my parents kept me from making mistakes so I never learned how to appropriately handle the consequences of my actions; Aaron got me pregnant before I had the chance to find out who I really was and experience the world; my kids take up so much of my time that there’s none left for me. All of these are lies. There might be some truth to them, but they are no longer relevant. Whatever my parents did or didn’t do for me, I am responsible for myself now, not them. Yes, Aaron was instrumental in the conception of my children, but I was there too. My kids do take up a lot of time, but I could get up earlier or make more productive choices about how to spend my time after they’re in bed. It’s tempting to blame my troubles on other people, but by making my problems someone else’s responsibility I remove any power I have to fix them. No responsibility, no power. Oh. Shit. “I hate parenting,” I tell Kayleigh. I’ve sent the boys downstairs to watch a Veggie Tales so I can vent about how frustrated I am without their hearing me. “They don’t listen to anything I say; they beat the crap out of each other when they fight and Matteas keeps breaking Jack’s glasses; Matteas doesn’t sleep through the night…” I go on like this for a while, and even I don’t want to listen to myself. But Kayleigh listens, and when I finally stop she says “Tirz, you don’t hate parenting; you just hate parenting ALL THE TIME.” She’s right. Between getting so absorbed in going wheat-free and not making time for any alone time, I do feel like I’m in Parent Mode constantly. I feel like a meal-maker mess-cleaner dish-washer bath-giver butt-wiper fight-settler robot. I know all those things are part of the work of parenting, but I need more in my day. I start indulging in little escapes in the form of frequently checking my e-mail and facebook, finding new blogs to read after I’ve already read my favorites, hoping every time the phone rings that it’s an actual adult who will have adult conversation with me. At night after the boys are in bed, I make myself a giant mug of tea and head downstairs to the TV. Even as I am watching it I’m thinking, this isn’t what I really want and it won’t feed me in a real way; it will just distract me for a while. I want to do more than just get through my life with distraction. I decide that I really need to take myself seriously, and register for the marathon. Next I turn my attention to my parenting, and think about what will make my kids take me seriously. I decide that I will not tell them what to do unless I’m standing close enough to touch them. This solves two problems: I never have to raise my voice, and I am poised and ready to enforce a consequence or offer guidance the instant I tell them to do something. I have to stop what I’m doing and go over to them a lot to employ this technique, but it is totally worth it. Most of the time, they do what I ask. If they don’t, I calmly escort them to their room. The situation doesn’t escalate, them ignoring me and my voice growing louder in direct proportion to the powerlessness I feel. It’s productive discipline, and it’s peaceful. With my parenting improved, the days go smoothly and at night when I put the boys to bed I’m satisfied that I’ve done a good job. Having avoided expending a lot of energy on non-productive encounters, I no longer feel drained, exhausted and guilty at the end of the day. I feel empowered, competent, and excited about my life. I don’t watch TV at night. I make myself a big mug of tea and read or sit with Aaron and talk. I choose things that feed me in a real way so that I am refreshed and ready to do it all again the next day. The best part is that I am not merely making it through, I'm growing. One day, I may even make it to full-on adulthood.