In the Meantime

Damien update: he will have surgery tomorrow to repair the broken bones in his jaw and face. He should be released from the hospital in two weeks. We don't know what happens next, but we're working on figuring that out. Life is a little strange right now. My brother is lying in the hospital wishing he was dead, but I still have to make breakfast and drive Jack to school and change Matteas' diaper. And it's weird. I find that I have to take life in very small pieces right now to avoid feeling totally overwhelmed, and sometimes it's hard to know exactly what to do. Should I go to the hospital? Should I stay home and be with my kids? Should I go to my parents' house? Is there an actual "best choice" to make? I went to the hospital Monday and Tuesday night, but I don't like spending too many evenings away from Aaron and the boys. I miss the comfort of our evening routines and ending our day together, but I feel like I should be doing something for Damien. He's so drugged that he's rarely conscious when he is he can't talk, but it feels cruel to let him lie there alone. My Mom or Dad has been with him the whole time, and they need a break sometimes. To make matters worse, grief makes me irritable. Really, really irritable. And that makes me feel mean and small. After all, I have an amazing life and much to be grateful for, and it feels terrible to be grumpy when my brother is in so much pain. I feel somehow pressured to be well-behaved in the face of tragedy, and I'm not doing a very good job. It just feels absurd to go about normal life like everything is okay when there's this enormous cloud hanging over everything, and I find it difficult to think about what I should make for dinner when I'm wondering if my brother will recover or if we will bury him next to Karoly. I find myself drawn to organic, elemental things, like dirt and plants and sunshine and rain and water. Things that were here before me and will go on being here long after I'm gone, things that are certain and stable and enduring. This morning the boys and I wandered outside after breakfast. We sat in the back yard and ate an entire bag of cherries. We weeded and watered the garden. We kissed. We made mud. We laid on a blanket and let the sunshine warm our bodies.

Dirt...

and little boys...

are very good therapy.