Not Quite Ready

For a lot of things. I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to white lights. I put away all the Christmas stuff last week but I just couldn't handle how naked and bare everything looked, so I re-did the mantle in a less Christmas-y, more 'winter light' style. I'm pleased. I'm also not ready for a baby. For the time being, we're not expecting any. But God sometimes has a strange sense of humor. For instance, we've struggled for years to get our kids to sleep decently. During the night is still kind of a challenge, with Jack waking up and sneaking into our bed at some point every night. It's rare, the morning I wake up in bed alone and I instantly think something's wrong because I'm not sandwiched between two wiggly boys. I read every popular book on children's sleep and we tried every trick(except for letting little babies cry; I can't do it), mostly to no avail. Recently, we moved Matteas' crib from its spot next to our bed into Jack's room. Previously, I would lie down in our bed with Matteas and snuggle him to sleep, but it sometimes took up to 45 minutes and then he'd still be in our bed to shout at me in the middle of the night. He is sometimes an angry sleeper. He doesn't really wake up all the way, he just yells. Then, if he can find me, he has to feel my hair and pet my face for about an hour before he can go back to sleep. I was going crazy. My New Year's resolution was to identify everything in my life that isn't working and change it until it does. I got an early start with Matteas, moving his crib into Jack's room in early December. It worked. I put him in his crib, pray with him, kiss him goodnight, and leave the room. He lies there quietly and goes to sleep, usually in five minutes or less. He almost always wakes up sometime in the night, but I can usually pat him on the back if it's before I got to bed or, if it's at 5 a.m. like today, just put him in bed with me and we can all go back to sleep. Life-changing. Aaron and I can get in bed together at night and talk. Or read. With the light on. I love co-sleeping and I'm sure I'll continue to do it with any more babies we have, but Matteas is hardly a baby anymore. So it seemed like it was working really well and everyone was getting more rest, and I was feeling so on top of my game that I even e-mailed a friend about the changes we'd made in the hopes she might find something she could use to put her kids to bed more smoothly. And then the whole day went south. It was like God saw my pride and instantly hit the "smite" button for the rest of the day, because everything that used to go well didn't. It went very, very badly, very loudly, in public. It was Jack's turn to bring snack to school that day, which starts around lunch time. That gave me plenty of time to get the boys to the store in the morning and pick up snack as well as some stuff for dinner. I always put Matteas in the back pack at the grocery store when I have both of the boys by myself, and Jack is usually very well-behaved walking next to me. If he has trouble, he goes into the cart and the trouble usually ends. Something was up with him yesterday. He whined, he ran away from me, he touched everything, even knocking down several displays. He threw fits when he didn't get what he wanted. Usually, he is shockingly mature about just looking at things and not touching them or asking to by them. During Christmas time, we could walk through the toy section of Costco without incident. Yesterday we were only at QFC and he was going to pieces over not getting something from a mark-downs cart in the floral section. He started melting down, and I warned him that if he couldn't behave in the store there would be consequences when we got home. Furious, his upper lip curled in defiance, he made a fist and held it suspended a few inches above his crotch. I had no idea where this was going. "If you don't let me have what I want, I'm going to punch myself in the penis! In the PENIS!" People are watching at this point, but I manage to respond evenly, "Go ahead; it's your penis." Realizing he'd made a tactical error, he resorted to throwing a tantrum. Matteas, still cheerful in the back pack, found inspiration for a song and began singing in a loud, happy voice a song about "Three penises, three penises, three BIG penises!" At this point, mothers of little girls are scowling at me. I gather the rest of my groceries and what is left of my pride and we exit the store as quickly as possible, not escaping another meltdown(this time over a balloon) in the checkout line. And later, bedtime is weird too. Matteas falls asleep in my lap while we're reading, which is never good. If he falls sleep anywhere other than in his bed, he wakes up shortly thereafter and he is disoriented and angry. Before that even happened, Jack couldn't sleep. He'd woken up at his usual time and I'd put him to bed at his usual time, but last night he just laid there staring at the ceiling. And then Matteas wakes up, yelling and totally out of it. I go in and hold Matteas, sitting in the chair between the boys' beds. Jack squirms around in his bed, making enough noise to ensure that Matteas can't fall back to sleep. After 45 minutes of shenanigans, I manage to get them both back to sleep in their own beds. I emerge from the bedroom feeling beaten and defeated, the cumulative struggles of the day making my nerves raw. It was that damn e-mail, I know it. "God, why must you humble me in such torturous ways?" "Why must you be prideful?" "I was only trying to help; I even said I knew my advice might not be helpful, I made room for differences." "Maybe you should spend a little more time focusing on getting your own life in order, and less time trying to tell other people how to order their lives." "Does this mean I'm going to get pregnant because I launched that NFP blog?" "We'll see. It depends on your attitude." "Well, thanks for making coffee, anyway. I'm going to need it tomorrow morning." "I always give you what you need; when will you learn that?" "See, that's where I feel we disagree; I feel very strongly that I don't NEED whiny, sleepless children who embarrass me in public, hinder my productivity and deprive me of sleep." "Are you sure? You don't think you NEED lessons in patience and humility?" "You've got a point there, God; but must you teach me patience in humility in such infuriating ways? Wouldn't it be easier for me to learn if it was, like, easier?" "Oh, don't think I didn't try; it was difficult to get your attention. I had to step up My game before you'd listen." "Well I hear You now God, loud and clear." "Just remember, there are seasons in life; a time to reap and a time to sow. Right now your family is in a learning season." "Again, I'm going to have to disagree a little bit. Were you not listening yesterday? Clearly, it's penis season."